Surviving the Holidays: Tips for People in Recovery

santa-drunkFor most people, the holiday season – which includes Christmas and the New Year celebration – is a special time of joy and celebration.   We have a chance to give our thanks to God for all His goodness and a chance to rejoice in the birth of the Savior.   It is also a time to welcome in a new year with all the hope and promise it brings.

Yet, we must never forget that for people who are just beginning to walk the road of recovery from addiction to alcohol and drugs, this is an extremely difficult and stressful time.   For several reasons, this time of year means we are very vulnerable to a relapse.

Let me offer a few simple thoughts that might help them make it through this holiday season:

A.   Remember the spiritual significance of the holidays –  This time of year is a major commercial event for America’s retailers.   For some, more than half of our revenue is generated in the final ten weeks of the year.   As a result, we are bombarded with marketing messages that encourage us to spend beyond our budgets.   Despite the commercial pressure, we need to keep our focus on the spiritual significance of the holidays.   Our focus in November ought to be thankfulness – an attitude of gratitude.   And we must never forget that when it comes to Christmas, ”Jesus is the Reason for the Season”.   Above all else, we are celebrating God’s sending of His only Son to be our Savior and Redeemer. Keeping a spiritual focus puts all of our other expectations for the holiday season in proper perspective.

B. Don’t isolate –  For most Christians, the holidays are a time for family and other important relationships. For the newly recovering addict, especially those in residential programs, the holidays can be the loneliest time of the year.

Newly recovering addicts face two special challenges during the holidays.   On one hand, the holidays serve as a painful reminder of all the relationships they’ve messed up.   To many recovering people spend Christmas haunted by memories of loved ones and friends that have been alienated because of destructive and manipulative behavior.   So, there is a real tendency to fall into self-pity and remorse.   In order to compensate for the loneliness, some will take an equally destructive path; falling in with the wrong people.   To keep our sobriety, people who are still using alcohol and drugs, must be avoided at all costs

So, what’s the solution?   This is the time take advantage of new, sober acquaintances God has brought into our lives.   Reaching out to those around us and using this holiday season s as a special opportunity to get to know them better is the best antidote for that special sense of loneliness that comes with the holidays.

C. Use the holidays as a special opportunity for making amends –  Instead of dwelling on failed relationships, the holidays provide a special opportunity to restore some broken relationships.   This is the time to make a list of those people and creatively consider ways to reconnect with them.   While it is not always possible to make amends to everyone that might come to mind, there will always be a few of them, especially family members, to whom amends can be made.   Some of those who have not heard from us for some time might actually consider your getting in touch with them to be a special gift this holiday season.   Talk to a counselor or sponsor about this and get some input before embarking on this important step in your recovery process.

D.   Give gifts from the heart –  It’s easy to feel a load of guilt and shame about not having resources to give presents and other tokens of love to those around you.   There are other types of “gifts” that can be just as meaningful: a simple card (even homemade), phone calls or visits, lending a helping hand with a special project.   There is a virtually unlimited number of ways to show people around you that you care that don’t require a lot of cash.   Be creative!

E Share your feelings –  The holidays can bring back a host of confusing feelings and memories.   Sometimes we’re tempted to dwell on “good times” that involved drinking and drug use.   For some, this time of year provokes painful childhood memories if we grew up in a troubled home.   Others experience loads of stress, disappointment, and loneliness during the holidays.   The worst thing to do is to keep all these feelings bottled up inside.   Find trusted sober friends and support groups where you can share what is going on within you.   This is a sure fire way to keep them in perspective and work through all these emotions in constructive and healthy ways.

F. Find healthy ways to celebrate the season –  For some of us, it’s hard to imagine a Christmas or New Year’s Eve without alcohol and drugs.   But, for newly sober people, this time of year can be a chance to rediscover how to have fun without mind-altering chemicals.   Take a few moments to find out what is happening in the church and what other Christian and sobriety-based events are happening in your community – and participate in them!

G. Have realistic expectations –  Most post-holiday disappointments are the result of expecting too much.   Keeping Christmas as primarily a spiritual celebration also keeps our expectation in reality, too.   We may find this holiday season is not the exciting and joyous experience others seem to make it out to be.   Maybe no one seemed to have reached out to us in any special way.   Maybe we did not handle all the stress of the holidays, as we would have liked to.   So what?   Making it through the holidays without using drugs or alcohol could actually be the most significant thing we managed to do this holiday season.   This, in itself, is a major accomplishment.

Self Disclosure In Addiction Counseling

How much of my own personal struggles should I share with counselees?

I’ve been asked how the concept of “professional distance” relates to sharing with clients how God has worked in our own lives.     Some therapists are trained to avoid “inserting their own personalities” into the counseling process by not sharing anything about themselves with counselees.   It is possible, though, to strike a balance between over-involvement and being so objective that those we work with never see our “human” side.

A.         The benefits of “self-disclosure” in the counseling process There are many good reasons to share our own spiritual journeys with those we seek to help, especially if we ourselves have overcome an addiction to drugs and alcohol.

  • Knowing we’ve done many of the same things can help clients to trust us more. Knowing we’ve struggled with some of the same issues, helps them feel that we are able to understand what they are experiencing in the early days of sobriety.   Hearing our stories can convey hope that helps them believe that they, too, can overcome the obstacles they face and find truly satisfying, sober lives.
  • Knowing that we struggle currently with a number of issues, too, can also be helpful.   Many newly sober people feel so “terminally unique” that somehow their problems are so bad they can’t change.   This results in a very discouraging type of shame.   So, there’s a lot to be gained when they understand that they are not alone in their struggles and that others (ourselves included) have some of the same feelings and have made the same mistakes, and still end up doing many things we regret.

Thoughtful self-disclosure is an important tool for the Christian counselor.   The Bible encourages us to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV)   When we work with wounded people, there’s much to be gained by letting them see us as “fellow travelers” who are walking the road to recovery with them.

B.      A few words of caution The rescue mission long-term residential program creates a somewhat unique counseling environment with some special pitfalls.   Not only do people actually live in the facilities where the staff members work, they also remain in the programs for a longer period of time — sometimes a year or more.   This can allow us to get to know clients better and to develop more significant relationships with them.   On the “plus” side, this is allows us to work with them on a deeper level and can potentially create an environment for some powerful discipling and mentoring.   On the other hand, this environment has some unique dangers where a proper understanding of “professional distance” – maintaining proper personal boundaries – is absolutely essential.   Here’s a few things to keep in mind:

  • It is important to always remember who is “staff” and who is “client” and to keep those roles very separate.   And, at the same time, it’s important to remember which of these roles belongs to you.   This can be especially tricky for people who have joined the staff after completing the program themselves.   Over-identification with the wrong group can cause some real problems; including forgetting who actually “runs the place.”
  • In the arena of emotional involvement, the “wall” between staff members and clients must be very definite.   One rule that must be in place and enforced rigorously is the prohibition of staff members developing relationships with clients outside of the working environment.   This is especially important in regard to those situations where there is an opportunity for romantic involvement.   These types of situations always result in problems that run the gamut from favoritism all the way to sexual compromise.
  • In light of this, it is absolutely critical that staff members have regular weekly meetings where they can discuss the residents and their needs – and share their own needs and gain support from one another.   If workers are not doing this, it’s easy to feel alienated from one another.   Some staff members may actually end up leaning inappropriately on the residents for emotional support and companionship while at work.   There must be an atmosphere where workers feel the freedom to discuss their own issues with that relate to the residents with whom they work with one another.
  • While every resident should have one staff members as their primary counselor/mentor, our work with them ought always to be a team approach.   It should be clearly understood by all clients that what is shared with their primary counselor may also be shared with the counseling team members.   We benefit from counseling insights provided by other team members.   This also prevents clients from forming an exclusive relationship with a staff member who is “the only one I can talk to”
  • It is important to avoid sharing too much about your current on-going personal struggles with clients.   This could result in them losing respect for you.   In light of this, members who are in recovery themselves should never participate in a support group in which their clients are in attendance.

 

Working with hurting people can be a very rewarding endeavor.   We grow in our own faith as we see God work in their lives.   But, anyone who works in this field must have their own support network firmly in place in order to avoid these pitfalls

Helping Recovering People Reconnect With the Church

Over twenty years ago, Rev. Maurice Vanderberg, Executive Director of City Union Mission in Kansas City, hung the purpose of their new Christian Life Program on their chapel wall. It is a statement that should de ­scribe the intent of all rescue mission re ­covery programs:

Our goal is to see every man becomes a mature, contributing member of a Christian community.

People become homeless because they are disconnected from meaningful rela ­tionships with others. They don’t know how to access social support systems. And, for most, their trust level is at about zero. As they complete our resi ­dential recovery programs, we must as ­sist them to become “plugged-in” to places where they will experience the support, nurture, and encouragement they need to grow in faith and in sobri ­ety.

Becoming active in a church home is ab ­solutely essential for homeless addicts who want to establish themselves in a new, independent, sober and godly lifestyle. They must develop a personal system of ongoing support that replaces the structure provided by the mission residential program. This might also in ­clude participation in support groups and finding a program sponsor. All of this can only be accomplished if we have a definite “aftercare” strategy in place.

Attending Sunday morning worship at a local church is required by most mission programs. Sadly, their experience of the Church looks something like this:

The mission van pulls up to the church door and the clients file into the building.

They find a safe place to sit, usually in the back of the church.

They stay in their own group and have little contact with other people at the worship service.

After the service ends, they file back into the van after ex ­changing a few words with the greeters at the door.

This is so tragic, because the Body of Christ is the greatest support network there ever was. And, we know that par ­ticipating in a local congregation is es ­sential for Christian growth.

Here are a few suggestions for rescue mission personnel that may be useful in helping program participants to make the sometimes difficult transition into a supportive body of believers:

A. Find “Mission Friendly” Churches

Probably the first place to look for “mis ­sion friendly” churches is the list of those who are already active with your chapel services and other activities. Just as we must visit support groups before sending program participants to them, we also need to personally visit the churches they attend. The reason for this is simple: not all churches can handle people from rescue missions. Some have a theology that is not compatible with our approach to recovery. For others, getting involved with rescue mission cli ­ents might just be too much of a socio ­economic stretch.

B. Connecting with Pastors

Once you have identified those churches, visit with their pastors. Let them know your desire to work with them to help your clients find a spiritu4 home in their churches. The pastor can help you to enlist a few members of his church who could become church spon ­sors for people from the rescue mission.

Whenever possible, invite pastors to the mission so they can tour your facilities and learn about your programs. When I was a mission director, I was active in the local clergy council. A couple of times a year, we hosted their monthly meeting and provided a lunch. It’s al ­ways amazing to see how much more in ­terested people become in our missions when they have had a chance to set foot in our buildings and can see what we are actually doing.

C. Train the Church Sponsors

Once we have identified these “mission friendly” churches, schedule a few orientation sessions for the church sponsors.   This is an opportunity to help them to better understand and reach out to mis ­sion clients we send their way. This could be accomplished in a single meet ­ing where a handbook could be given out with additional information. The goal is to develop a list of willing and equipped church sponsors that mission staff members could match up with mis ­sion program participants as they seek out a church home.

D. Christian Recovery Groups – A Bridge to the Christian Community

Most Christian recovery group meetings have several former addicts who are liv ­ing stable Christian lives. Because of their own experiences, these people can empathize with the struggles of home ­less addicts in a deeper way than most believers. We are sure to find some who will take our clients under their wings, serve as sponsors, invite them to their homes, and bring them to church with them.

If you have already developed a program to help mission program participants become integrated into the local Church, please contact us at the IUGM Education Department. We are gather ­ing materials on this topic that will be available to other member missions.

 

April 1998