Michael Liimatta

How much of my own personal struggles should I share with counselees?

I’ve been asked how the concept of “professional distance” relates to sharing with clients how God has worked in our own lives.   Some therapists are trained to avoid “inserting their own personalities” into the counseling process by not sharing anything about themselves with counselees.  It is possible, though, to strike a balance between over-involvement and being so objective that those we work with never see our “human” side.

1. The benefits of “self-revelation” in the counseling process– There are many good reasons to share our own spiritual journeys with those we seek to help, especially if we ourselves have overcome an addiction to drugs and alcohol.

• Knowing we’ve done many of the same things can help clients to trust us more. Knowing we’ve struggled with some of the same issues, helps them feel that we are able to understand what they are experiencing in the early days of sobriety.  Hearing our stories can convey hope that helps them believe that they, too, can overcome the obstacles they face and find truly satisfying, sober lives.
• Knowing that we struggle currently with a number of issues, too, can also be helpful.  Many newly sober people feel so “terminally unique” that somehow their problems are so bad they can’t change.  This results in a very discouraging type of shame.  So, there’s a lot to be gained when they understand that they are not alone in their struggles and that others (ourselves included) have some of the same feelings and have made the same mistakes, and still end up doing many things we regret.

Thoughtful self-revelation is an important tool for the Christian counselor.  The Bible encourages us to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV)  When we work with wounded people, there’s much to be gained by letting them see us as “fellow travelers” who are walking the road to recovery with them.

1. A few words of caution –The rescue mission long-term residential program creates a somewhat unique counseling environment with some special pitfalls.  Not only do people actually live in the facilities where the staff members work, they also remain in the programs for a longer period of time — sometimes a year or more.  This can allow us to get to know clients better and to develop more significant relationships with them.  On the “plus” side, this is allows us to work with them on a deeper level and can potentially create an environment for some powerful discipling and mentoring.  On the other hand, this environment has some unique dangers where a proper understanding of “professional distance” – maintaining proper personal boundaries – is absolutely essential.Here’s a few things to keep in mind:

• It is important to always remember who is “staff” and who is “client” and to keep those roles very separate.  And, at the same time, it’s important to remember which of these roles belongs to you.  This can be especially tricky for people who have joined the staff after completing the program themselves.  Over-identification with the wrong group can cause some real problems; including forgetting who actually “runs the place.”
• In the arena of emotional involvement, the “wall” between staff members and clients must be very definite.  One rule that must be in place and enforced rigorously is the prohibition of staff members developing relationships with clients outside of the working environment.  This is especially important in regard to those situations where there is an opportunity for romantic involvement.  These types of situations always result in problems that run the gamut from favoritism all the way to sexual compromise.
• In light of this, it is absolutely critical that staff members have regular weekly meetings where they can discuss the residents and their needs – and share their own needs and gain support from one another.  If workers are not doing this, it’s easy to feel alienated from one another.  Some staff members may actually end up leaning inappropriately on the residents for emotional support and companionship while at work.  There must be an atmosphere where workers feel the freedom to discuss their own issues with that relate to the residents with whom they work with one another.

• While every resident should have one staff members as their primary counselor/mentor, our work with them ought always to be a team approach.  It should be clearly understood by all clients that what is shared with their primary counselor may also be shared with the counseling team members.  We benefit from counseling insights provided by other team members.  This also prevents clients from forming an exclusive relationship with a staff member who is “the only one I can talk to”
• It is important to avoid sharing too much about your current on-going personal struggles with clients.  This could result in them losing respect for you.  In light of this, members who are in recovery themselves should never participate in a support group in which their clients are in attendance.

Working with hurting people can be a very rewarding endeavor.  We grow in our own faith as we see God work in their lives.  But, anyone who works in this field must have their own support network firmly in place in order to avoid these pitfalls

For other resources by Michael Liimatta see:

• Guide to Effective Rescue Mission Recovery Programs
• First Things First: Recovery Program Essentials

He has also contributed to the Christian Recovery Library

This copyrighted series originally appeared in RESCUE Magazine, published by the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions, October 2001, December 2001, and February 2002 issues.  Reprinting without permission is prohibited.

• How Diet and Nutrition Impact Recovery – A look at how proper diet can contribute to a state of well-being and reduce the cravings for drugs and alcohol in the early stages of recovery.

• The “Recovery Diet” – Some practical suggestions, based on nutritional studies, to help people to make good food choices.

• How Drugs & Alcohol Damage the Body – Very brief descriptions of the major areas of the body impacted by alcohol and drug use, along with some nutritional recommendations that can bring healing and promote recovery.

• Smart Snacking for People in Recovery – Experts recommend light meals with snacking in between as an aide to proper nutrition and control mood swings. Just as important is snacking on the right things. Here’s some suggestions.

• Benefits of Exercise in Recovery – Eating right is important, so is exercise. The proper amount of exercise helps the body to more effectively process the nutrients we eat, along with contributing to our general state of well-being and helps with sleep. Here’s some suggestions for getting started.

• If you know of other web sites that offer more information on this topic, or if you have some thoughts on these pages, please give us your feedback.

For most people, the holiday season – which includes Christmas and the New Year celebration – is a special time of joy and celebration.   We have a chance to give our thanks to God for all His goodness and a chance to rejoice in the birth of the Savior.   It is also a time to welcome in a new year with all the hope and promise it brings.

Yet, we must never forget that for people who are just beginning to walk the road of recovery from addiction to alcohol and drugs, this is an extremely difficult and stressful time.   For several reasons, this time of year means we are very vulnerable to a relapse.

Let me offer a few simple thoughts that might help them make it through this holiday season:

A.   Remember the spiritual significance of the holidays –  This time of year is a major commercial event for America’s retailers.   For some, more than half of our revenue is generated in the final ten weeks of the year.   As a result, we are bombarded with marketing messages that encourage us to spend beyond our budgets.   Despite the commercial pressure, we need to keep our focus on the spiritual significance of the holidays.   Our focus in November ought to be thankfulness – an attitude of gratitude.   And we must never forget that when it comes to Christmas, ”Jesus is the Reason for the Season”.   Above all else, we are celebrating God’s sending of His only Son to be our Savior and Redeemer. Keeping a spiritual focus puts all of our other expectations for the holiday season in proper perspective.

B. Don’t isolate –  For most Christians, the holidays are a time for family and other important relationships. For the newly recovering addict, especially those in residential programs, the holidays can be the loneliest time of the year.

Newly recovering addicts face two special challenges during the holidays.   On one hand, the holidays serve as a painful reminder of all the relationships they’ve messed up.   To many recovering people spend Christmas haunted by memories of loved ones and friends that have been alienated because of destructive and manipulative behavior.   So, there is a real tendency to fall into self-pity and remorse.   In order to compensate for the loneliness, some will take an equally destructive path; falling in with the wrong people.   To keep our sobriety, people who are still using alcohol and drugs, must be avoided at all costs

So, what’s the solution?   This is the time take advantage of new, sober acquaintances God has brought into our lives.   Reaching out to those around us and using this holiday season s as a special opportunity to get to know them better is the best antidote for that special sense of loneliness that comes with the holidays.

C. Use the holidays as a special opportunity for making amends –  Instead of dwelling on failed relationships, the holidays provide a special opportunity to restore some broken relationships.   This is the time to make a list of those people and creatively consider ways to reconnect with them.   While it is not always possible to make amends to everyone that might come to mind, there will always be a few of them, especially family members, to whom amends can be made.   Some of those who have not heard from us for some time might actually consider your getting in touch with them to be a special gift this holiday season.   Talk to a counselor or sponsor about this and get some input before embarking on this important step in your recovery process.

D.   Give gifts from the heart –  It’s easy to feel a load of guilt and shame about not having resources to give presents and other tokens of love to those around you.   There are other types of “gifts” that can be just as meaningful: a simple card (even homemade), phone calls or visits, lending a helping hand with a special project.   There is a virtually unlimited number of ways to show people around you that you care that don’t require a lot of cash.   Be creative!

E Share your feelings –  The holidays can bring back a host of confusing feelings and memories.   Sometimes we’re tempted to dwell on “good times” that involved drinking and drug use.   For some, this time of year provokes painful childhood memories if we grew up in a troubled home.   Others experience loads of stress, disappointment, and loneliness during the holidays.   The worst thing to do is to keep all these feelings bottled up inside.   Find trusted sober friends and support groups where you can share what is going on within you.   This is a sure fire way to keep them in perspective and work through all these emotions in constructive and healthy ways.

F. Find healthy ways to celebrate the season –  For some of us, it’s hard to imagine a Christmas or New Year’s Eve without alcohol and drugs.   But, for newly sober people, this time of year can be a chance to rediscover how to have fun without mind-altering chemicals.   Take a few moments to find out what is happening in the church and what other Christian and sobriety-based events are happening in your community – and participate in them!

G. Have realistic expectations –  Most post-holiday disappointments are the result of expecting too much.   Keeping Christmas as primarily a spiritual celebration also keeps our expectation in reality, too.   We may find this holiday season is not the exciting and joyous experience others seem to make it out to be.   Maybe no one seemed to have reached out to us in any special way.   Maybe we did not handle all the stress of the holidays, as we would have liked to.   So what?   Making it through the holidays without using drugs or alcohol could actually be the most significant thing we managed to do this holiday season.   This, in itself, is a major accomplishment.