Michael Liimatta

A. Understanding the Problems of Children from Addicted Families

In the US, twenty million children are experiencing physical, verbal and emotional abuse from parents who are addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. This is tragic when we consider that childhood is the foundation on which our entire lives are built. When a child’s efforts to bond with an addicted parent are thwarted, the result is confusion and intense anxiety. In order to survive in a home devoid of healthy parental love, limits, and consistency, they must develop “survival skills” very early in life.

In a chaotic, dysfunctional family, the lack of external control through consistent loving discipline results in an inability to develop internal discipline and self control. They learn not to depend on their parents to meet their needs – instead, it is all up to themselves. And, because they can’t trust their own parents, they become generally suspicious and mistrustful of all human beings. Yet, they are defenseless against the projection of blame and often feel responsible for parents’ addiction. They become “little adults” that feel compelled to accept responsibilities well beyond their years.

One authority on these matters, Dr. Tim Cermack, says children from addicted homes actually suffer from emotional and psychological symptoms that are best described as a combination of codependency and a variant of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is most widely known as a malady afflicting Vietnam veterans. According to Dr. Cermack it

…occurs when people are subject to stresses of such intensity and nature that they clearly lie outside the range of normal human experiences. The effects are especially severe if the stress is caused by a series of traumatic events, and is of human origin. The effects are even more severe if the individual under stress has rigid coping strategies, or if the person’s support system includes those who encourage denial of the stress. *

Growing up in an alcoholic family is certainly traumatic. In these homes, children experience a daily environment of inconsistency, chaos, fear, abandonment, denial, and real or potential violence. Survival becomes a full-time job. PTSD also leads to a condition called “psychic numbing” experienced as a sense of estrangement and being detached to the point of feeling there is no place or group to which we truly belong. Emotions become constricted, especially in the areas where intimacy, tenderness, and sexuality are involved. Is it any wonder that these children are eight times more likely become addicts themselves or to marry an alcoholic or drug addict.

B. Common Struggles of Children from Alcoholic/Drug-Addicted Homes

1. Guessing at what is normal.

2. Difficulty having fun.

3. Judging themselves mercilessly.

4. Difficulty with emotional relationships.

5. Feeling “different” from other people.

6. Tendency to be impulsive.

7. Either super responsible or super irresponsible.

8. Desperately seeking approval and affirmation.

9. Suffering from chronic anxiety.

10. Lacking self discipline.

11. Compulsive liars.

12. Suffering from a critical deficiency of self-respect.

13. Fear and mistrust for authority figures.

C. Healing Begins by “Breaking the Alcoholic Family Rules”

Early intervention significantly lessens the life-long effects of a traumatic childhood. The way Christian workers can best help these children is to lovingly assist them to “break the rules” of their dysfunctional family. These rules, according to Claudia Black in her book It will Never Happen to Me are “don’t trust, don’t feel, don’t talk.”

The first need of children from addicted families is learn that they are just normal kids who have been trying to cope in a extremely stressful and chaotic environment. While their alcoholic home is not normal, they are normal kids. Their biggest problem is usually not having anyone they trust with whom to they can talk openly about how they feel and what they are experiencing. Opening up and sharing from the heart in a safe atmosphere is a tremendously healing experience. We must make sure to provide time for such experiences. Still, it may take quite a while to gain the trust of children from troubled families. Usually they need enough non-confrontive interaction with workers and the opportunity to observe them in action as they relate to others. Opening up can be extremely difficult, especially because they have learned their entire lives that they must protect their families secrets. They can feel like traitors, betraying their family and the illusion that everything is all right at home.

Children from addicted families have learned to survive by suppressing their emotions. They are told that their perceptions are wrong and that their feelings are not acceptable. So, we need to let them know that it’s OK to have feelings and that they won’t be rejected for having them.

D. Some Other Suggestions

1. Learn more about alcohol and drug addiction and its impact on children.
2. Help them learn to take care of themselves and that it is OK to think about their own safety when faced with dangerous situations.
3. Help them to learn to have fun.
4. Help them to learn from the Bible how God sees them. And that His love is unconditional, not performance-based.
5. Talk about honesty and its rewards.
6. Bring them to structured support groups where they can share their experiences with others.

E. Resources:

Confident Kids support groups are a wonderful resource for helping children from alcoholic and dysfunctional families.

Official web site of Adult Children of Alcoholics International

* Timmen L. Cermack, MD, A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics, Health  Communications, Pompano Beach, FL, 1985

From RESCUE Magazine, January/February 1996 issue. The journal of the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions.

For most people, the holiday season – which includes Christmas and the New Year celebration – is a special time of joy and celebration.   We have a chance to give our thanks to God for all His goodness and a chance to rejoice in the birth of the Savior.   It is also a time to welcome in a new year with all the hope and promise it brings.

Yet, we must never forget that for people who are just beginning to walk the road of recovery from substance use disorder, this is an extremely difficult and stressful time.   For several reasons, this time of year means we are very vulnerable to a relapse.

Let me offer a few simple thoughts that might help them make it through this holiday season:

A.   Remember the spiritual significance of the holidays –  This time of year is a major commercial event for America’s retailers.   For some, more than half of our revenue is generated in the final ten weeks of the year.   As a result, we are bombarded with marketing messages that encourage us to spend beyond our budgets.   Despite the commercial pressure, we need to keep our focus on the spiritual significance of the holidays.   Our focus in November ought to be thankfulness – an attitude of gratitude.   And we must never forget that when it comes to Christmas, ”Jesus is the Reason for the Season”.   Above all else, we are celebrating God’s sending of His only Son to be our Savior and Redeemer. Keeping a spiritual focus puts all of our other expectations for the holiday season in proper perspective.

B. Don’t isolate –  For most Christians, the holidays are a time for family and other important relationships. For the newly recovering person, especially those in residential programs, the holidays can be the loneliest time of the year.

Newly recovering people face two special challenges during the holidays.   On one hand, the holidays serve as a painful reminder of all the relationships they’ve messed up.   To many recovering people spend Christmas haunted by memories of loved ones and friends that have been alienated because of destructive and manipulative behavior.   So, there is a real tendency to fall into self-pity and remorse.   In order to compensate for the loneliness, some will take an equally destructive path; falling in with the wrong people.   To keep our sobriety, people who are still using alcohol and drugs, must be avoided at all costs

So, what’s the solution?   This is the time take advantage of new, sober acquaintances God has brought into our lives.   Reaching out to those around us and using this holiday season s as a special opportunity to get to know them better is the best antidote for that special sense of loneliness that comes with the holidays.

C. Use the holidays as a special opportunity for making amends –  Instead of dwelling on failed relationships, the holidays provide a special opportunity to restore some broken relationships.   This is the time to make a list of those people and creatively consider ways to reconnect with them.   While it is not always possible to make amends to everyone that might come to mind, there will always be a few of them, especially family members, to whom amends can be made.   Some of those who have not heard from us for some time might actually consider your getting in touch with them to be a special gift this holiday season.   Talk to a counselor or sponsor about this and get some input before embarking on this important step in your recovery process.

D.   Give gifts from the heart –  It’s easy to feel a load of guilt and shame about not having resources to give presents and other tokens of love to those around you.   There are other types of “gifts” that can be just as meaningful: a simple card (even homemade), phone calls or visits, lending a helping hand with a special project.   There is a virtually unlimited number of ways to show people around you that you care that don’t require a lot of cash.   Be creative!

E Share your feelings –  The holidays can bring back a host of confusing feelings and memories.   Sometimes we’re tempted to dwell on “good times” that involved drinking and drug use.   For some, this time of year provokes painful childhood memories if we grew up in a troubled home.   Others experience loads of stress, disappointment, and loneliness during the holidays.   The worst thing to do is to keep all these feelings bottled up inside.   Find trusted sober friends and support groups where you can share what is going on within you.   This is a sure fire way to keep them in perspective and work through all these emotions in constructive and healthy ways.

F. Find healthy ways to celebrate the season –  For some of us, it’s hard to imagine a Christmas or New Year’s Eve without alcohol and drugs.   But, for newly sober people, this time of year can be a chance to rediscover how to have fun without mind-altering chemicals.   Take a few moments to find out what is happening in the church and what other Christian and sobriety-based events are happening in your community – and participate in them!

G. Have realistic expectations –  Most post-holiday disappointments are the result of expecting too much.   Keeping Christmas as primarily a spiritual celebration also keeps our expectation in reality, too.   We may find this holiday season is not the exciting and joyous experience others seem to make it out to be.   Maybe no one seemed to have reached out to us in any special way.   Maybe we did not handle all the stress of the holidays, as we would have liked to.   So what?   Making it through the holidays without using drugs or alcohol could actually be the most significant thing we managed to do this holiday season.   This, in itself, is a major accomplishment.

How much of my own personal struggles should I share with counselees?

I’ve been asked how the concept of “professional distance” relates to sharing with clients how God has worked in our own lives.   Some therapists are trained to avoid “inserting their own personalities” into the counseling process by not sharing anything about themselves with counselees.  It is possible, though, to strike a balance between over-involvement and being so objective that those we work with never see our “human” side.

1. The benefits of “self-revelation” in the counseling process– There are many good reasons to share our own spiritual journeys with those we seek to help, especially if we ourselves have overcome an addiction to drugs and alcohol.

• Knowing we’ve done many of the same things can help clients to trust us more. Knowing we’ve struggled with some of the same issues, helps them feel that we are able to understand what they are experiencing in the early days of sobriety.  Hearing our stories can convey hope that helps them believe that they, too, can overcome the obstacles they face and find truly satisfying, sober lives.
• Knowing that we struggle currently with a number of issues, too, can also be helpful.  Many newly sober people feel so “terminally unique” that somehow their problems are so bad they can’t change.  This results in a very discouraging type of shame.  So, there’s a lot to be gained when they understand that they are not alone in their struggles and that others (ourselves included) have some of the same feelings and have made the same mistakes, and still end up doing many things we regret.

Thoughtful self-revelation is an important tool for the Christian counselor.  The Bible encourages us to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV)  When we work with wounded people, there’s much to be gained by letting them see us as “fellow travelers” who are walking the road to recovery with them.

1. A few words of caution –The rescue mission long-term residential program creates a somewhat unique counseling environment with some special pitfalls.  Not only do people actually live in the facilities where the staff members work, they also remain in the programs for a longer period of time — sometimes a year or more.  This can allow us to get to know clients better and to develop more significant relationships with them.  On the “plus” side, this is allows us to work with them on a deeper level and can potentially create an environment for some powerful discipling and mentoring.  On the other hand, this environment has some unique dangers where a proper understanding of “professional distance” – maintaining proper personal boundaries – is absolutely essential.Here’s a few things to keep in mind:

• It is important to always remember who is “staff” and who is “client” and to keep those roles very separate.  And, at the same time, it’s important to remember which of these roles belongs to you.  This can be especially tricky for people who have joined the staff after completing the program themselves.  Over-identification with the wrong group can cause some real problems; including forgetting who actually “runs the place.”
• In the arena of emotional involvement, the “wall” between staff members and clients must be very definite.  One rule that must be in place and enforced rigorously is the prohibition of staff members developing relationships with clients outside of the working environment.  This is especially important in regard to those situations where there is an opportunity for romantic involvement.  These types of situations always result in problems that run the gamut from favoritism all the way to sexual compromise.
• In light of this, it is absolutely critical that staff members have regular weekly meetings where they can discuss the residents and their needs – and share their own needs and gain support from one another.  If workers are not doing this, it’s easy to feel alienated from one another.  Some staff members may actually end up leaning inappropriately on the residents for emotional support and companionship while at work.  There must be an atmosphere where workers feel the freedom to discuss their own issues with that relate to the residents with whom they work with one another.

• While every resident should have one staff members as their primary counselor/mentor, our work with them ought always to be a team approach.  It should be clearly understood by all clients that what is shared with their primary counselor may also be shared with the counseling team members.  We benefit from counseling insights provided by other team members.  This also prevents clients from forming an exclusive relationship with a staff member who is “the only one I can talk to”
• It is important to avoid sharing too much about your current on-going personal struggles with clients.  This could result in them losing respect for you.  In light of this, members who are in recovery themselves should never participate in a support group in which their clients are in attendance.

Working with hurting people can be a very rewarding endeavor.  We grow in our own faith as we see God work in their lives.  But, anyone who works in this field must have their own support network firmly in place in order to avoid these pitfalls

For other resources by Michael Liimatta see:

• Guide to Effective Rescue Mission Recovery Programs
• First Things First: Recovery Program Essentials

He has also contributed to the Christian Recovery Library

This copyrighted series originally appeared in RESCUE Magazine, published by the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions, October 2001, December 2001, and February 2002 issues.  Reprinting without permission is prohibited.